A warning to loudmouths everywhere: Cathy’s into pain compliance . . .

by Greg Swann

Suburban Phoenix Real Estate Broker

Author website

[Kicking this back to the top. Cathleen is trying to get the very willful Ophelia to walk to her heel, and that put me in mind of this song, which I wrote almost four years ago. –GSS]

 
So: This is a long way in…

First, Ophelia, our newly-adopted Redbone Coonhound, gets all over the nerves of Desdemona, our English Coonhound. A deafening racket ensues. Fortuitously, Odysseus the TV Spokemodel Bloodhound, who is in fact the loudest dog on Earth, doesn’t add much to the cacophony.

But: We were running out of seconds of silence in which to place hurried phone calls. This is not the ideal way to run a real estate business.

I try not to be one of those guys who pretends to have three testicles, but, nevertheless, it usually falls to me to be the bad guy. When there’s constabulary work to be done, the constable’s lot is a terrible one.

So this Monday just past, I decided more or less unilaterally that Desdemona was going to get a shock collar to control her barking. Cathy was all in favor of painless solutions, but we have tried all of these, at considerable expense. I knew that I was going to have to take the blame for inflicting pain on poor Desdemona, but we were all but entirely unable to communicate in our own home.

So: We got the collar. Desdemona moderated her behavior almost immediately. And, biggest surprise of all, my dear sweet tender-hearted Cathleen has become the world’s most vocal champion of pain compliance for dog training. She’s so happy with the results Desdemona is exhibiting that, yesterday, she bought a remote-control training collar for Ophelia.

All this is hugely funny to me, and it all seems to fit so well with with the rest of our insane lives, so I wrote a song about it — up-tempo and loud. And with all that as introduction, here are the lyrics:

Cathy’s into pain compliance

Don’t bark, don’t bite
Don’t growl at night
Don’t post anonymous tripe
Don’t sniff, don’t snivel
And spare us your drivel
You’re hardly the last word in gripes
     Attorneys yearn to cluck defiance
     But Cathy’s into pain compliance

Don’t spout vague theories
Disguised as queries
Don’t spin like the hands of a clock
Don’t poison the room
With flatulent doom
Or you might just be in for a shock
     The Bubbleboys mount a strange appliance
     ‘Cause Cathy’s into pain compliance

Don’t whine, don’t flame
Grow a spine, grow a brain
Put a name to your claims and stand tall
Don’t gather in gangs
For your noisome harangues
Or she’ll joyfully vanquish you all
     She’ll perforate your unholy alliance
     Now that Cathy’s into pain compliance

     She’ll swing her sling at any giants
     Now that Cathy’s into pain compliance

     You won’t be cured by Christian Science
     Now that Cathy’s into pain compliance

     And those looky-loos? They’re all her clients!
     Now that Cathy’s into pain compliance…

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