The Buck Stops Where?

by Thomas Hall

Realtor, Rabble-Rouser

Author website

Ya know – I’ve decided that I want run for Congress – my dilemma: overcoming the paradigm that one aspires to move up and not – um – down. BUT! Just think of all the fun I’d have riding the train under The Capitol – sitting in convertibles waving at my constituents in parades, playing golf with my lobbiest “buddies” – Ahhhh – what a LIFE!

Honestly, though – I think the best part would be sitting in commitees and writing legislation. Imagine sitting in a big room covered in mahogany wainscoting, sitting in a cordovan leather highback chair behind the massive, hand carved desk with my BIG brass name tag in front of me -I might even have a microphone in front of me. My voice would boom while speaking down to the little peop – er – constituents – um – not MY constituents, but constituents nonetheless.

My esteemed colleague would be standing behind me whispering where the guys were going to meet up for drinks after the hearing while the pathetic homeowner in front of me goes on and ON AND ON about how some slick mortgage broker sold him a bill of goods and now he can’t make his mortgage payment. But I feign to listen because it’s only for a few hours and then I get to ride the under ground train with my buds ‘cuz tonight I’m drinkin’ and schmoozing with da bankers!

Just think about it! I’d get to drink single malt scotch while Jimbo Biggidy Big Banker throws his arm around my shoulder, pulls me aside – walks me out on the patio at The Capital Grille, hands me a cigar and tells me that those wacky Wall Street boys – ha ha – you know the type – custom shirts and suits from Hong Kong – well they really blew it. Look at ALL that hell they’ve caused.

Jimbo likes to talk in the third person.

Tommy – Jimbo’s bank is losing money. How was Jimbo supposed to know that people weren’t going to be able to pay for all of those mortgages? I mean housing always goes up – ha ha *slap on the back* right?

I mean – if I have to write down the value of all those assets – well -um – you see Tom, Jimbo and Marge won’t be able to host that ski junket in Vail this year – and we all know how much Tommy LOVES to ski.

Dammit! There is no way in hell I am NOT going skiing in Vail this year.

So Jimbo – let’s just say I get a few of my esteemed colleagues together – write a few rules and regs – make sure my boss covers your ass. You won’t lose a penny more on those declining assets – I mean, if you have to write them down to say – 85%, will that keep Vail in the running? Let’s face it – you can always foreclose – I mean who wouldn’t want to find a bargain?