Feng Shui… It’s All Chinese Math To Me

by Geno Petro

Chicago Broker Owner Realtor | RE 2.0 Blogger

Author website

I’ve been putting clients into my car and cruising the streets of Chicago for nearly a decade now; the first three years as a leasing agent, the remainder as an actual dues paying realtor. I estimate that I’ve personally shown over 10,000 properties to almost 2,000 different people; a few of whom were clinically certifiable and dozens more on top of that, just plain peculiar. I laugh and cringe out loud (which I suppose would be COL) when I think back on some of the screwy scenarios I’ve witnessed or been a party to. Such, as they say, is life in this big city.

There was the lady who peed in the back seat of my car, the last cloth seat vehicle I’ll ever own. COL. There was the fairly well-dressed gentleman who came in just before the close of business one evening, adamant about seeing one of our rental listings (posted in the lobby window) on the far north side of Chicago.  A half hour later he bolted from my car as I was attempting to parallel park in front of the property–-a free ride home to the neighborhood being his sole intention all along.

Then, there was the transvestite who couldn’t stop weeping because she had just been dumped by her lover–poor thing. I took her into a Starbucks to calm her down and everyone in the place ended up staring at me. And perhaps the most memorable of all was the woman and her ‘attorney’ who stormed into the lobby of our ‘Free Apartment Finding Service’ (or so read the sign on the awning), demanding the ‘free’ apartment.  But to be fair, most of the above episodes occurred in the earliest days of my career when I was known to befriend any man who happened through the door with a need for housing and the first month’s rent to back it up.

My thoughts today, however, drift back to a middle-aged Mandarin couple I met earlier in this year and what they taught me about showing property to people more spiritual than myself. After several times out in the car we finally came up with a very short list of townhomes they could possibly live with (or even walk into, for that matter). They insisted we meet at sunrise to view all the listings in which they expressed any serious interest. Luckily for me and all other parties involved (sellers, listing agents, etc), they didn’t like many. Early morning light was very important to them and how it rose each morning over any encroaching, easterly building was vital to their respective flows of energy. That, and the street number assigned to the address. “No florce. no florce.” No fours. (Unlucky.)

They gave me a small book, FENG SHUI DOs & TABOOs, by Angi Ma Wong,*  so I could be clear in my head about their intentions and what I, as a realtor, should know about living spaces in general. I still read it at night when I can’t fall asleep or there’s nothing good on TV (which in itself is considered a ‘taboo’ in the bedroom {see below} albeit, lame in comparison to other such interdictions in that particular venue)…

…or, when I get writers block.

So I’m wide awake at one in the morning, my wife is watching Desperate Housewives on TiVo and I can’t remember how to spell…

*DO…purify antiques with wind, water, fire, sound, or ‘other’ techniques outside of your home before bringing them inside.

*DON’T…bring purchases from flea markets or tag sales into your home if the previous owners are deceased, divorced, or bankrupt;  have been fired from jobs; or have experienced other misfortunes. (There’s some occidental irony going on with that taboo, I’d say.)

*DO…keep aquarium fish in multiples of nine, a symbol of long life, or in odd numbers.

*DON’T…put an aquarium in or facing a bathroom or a bedroom. This is considered unlucky and can result in loss of fortune.

*DO…position your bed so it is not in line with the entrance to your bedroom, especially if your feet point toward that entrance. This is almost universally considered a “death position,” because those who die at home are carried out of a room or house feet first. (Yikes.)  

*DON’T…install a ceiling fan directly above a bed…a ceiling fan can, however, be situated past the foot of the bed. (Huh?)

*DO…remove as much electronic equipment from your bedroom as possible, especially televisions, VCRs, stereos, and computers, which emit electromagnetic energy that is detrimental to rest, health, and fertility.

*DON’T…use an electric blanket or sleep on a water bed. (Oh My 1970.)

*DO…face either east or south when you are standing at your stove.

*DON’T…arrange your home so that you can see the kitchen as you enter the front door of your house. If you do, you will be preoccupied with food and may find yourself battling weight problems. ( Wonderful.)

Like I mentioned earlier, our short list of townhomes was exactly that. Short. You’d be surprised how many properties do not have an eastern view at all in this city much less the proper Feng Shui that can prevent one from gaining weight or being carried out of the house feet first in a body bag. The typical Chicago condominium dweller is lucky to have even one decent view other than another building (or alley) much less a fish tank that doesn’t overshadow the toilet or vice versa. And there is a 75% chance that the main exposure faces any direction but the sunrise, i.e., the lake, irrespective of where one stands in the kitchen. And I figure there’s an 18% chance the number ‘4’ will show up somewhere in any address.

I don’t mean to come off as so dismissal on this subject of space and harmony because I actually find myself pondering the little book a lot. Faith with me has always been like a 51% majority vote. I can declare I believe in something just so long as I disbelieve in it slightly less. I’ve always gravitated toward the narrow margin. It’s the underdog of mathematics (and bookmaking), the way I see it.

I posted an article last year entitled Chinese Math, where I recapped the Econ 101 theory we all learned in state college. Example: If there are two billion or so people in China and you sell a 50 cent pencil to just 1% of them that is $10 million…Wow! ( The pretense, of course, being that 1% should be easy to achieve because it’s such a small number.) But like I said, this is Chinese Math and only applies in theory or perhaps, China. In other words, believe what you want and if you’re still not sure, then reduce the lowest common denominator down to the ridiculous and spin it anyway you wish. I get sold a lot of stuff I don’t need this way and I know about the stupid concept. Anyway…

*DO…use the animals of the Chinese Zodiac as decoration in your home.

and finally,

*DON’T…place a statue of a wolf inside your house. (Hey, I just thought I’d warn you.)