Talk to the Clown – Would You Like Fries With That?

by Kris Berg

Realtor, Associate Broker

Author website

I am here today to present to you my proposal for a new business venture. The Internet is a veritable candy store of wealth-creating opportunity, and it is our turn to capitalize. On-line shopping is BIG, I tell you, and it is time we got our piece of the pie.

But, we don’t have a product to sell.

So what? Neither does Amazon. That’s why I have identified the perfect target – the real estate industry. We will become agents and dehumanize the home buying process.

But, how will we attract customers?

The way I see it, there are two ways to establish ourselves in an established industry. Either we give them better service or we give them money. We aren’t in a position to do the former, that would just be hard, so we will do the latter. In order to give away money, we will have to redefine the service and deal in volume. Jack In the Box does not make money on their burgers. People come to them for the burgers, of course, but their profit margin is in the fries. And anyone can get a better burger at the steak house, they can get real service at the steak house, and they will leave having had a better dining experience with an A rated establishment, but people are inherently greedy. Houses will be our burgers, but volume will be our fries. Focus on the fries and forget the burgers.

But, (whispers), representing home buyers and sellers is hard work!

QUIET! Do not EVER suggest that real estate is hard work again. This kind of crazy talk will undermine all of our efforts.

But, just take the traditional pre-sale activities. The best, most effective listing agents spend thousands of dollars on a given home marketing and exposing the property, not to mention the time involved constantly improving and expanding their systems. Sometimes this is done for naught; the seller decides not to sell, and the agent is out-of-pocket. How can we afford to give money away?

We can’t, not by representing sellers. The costs of doing business are simply too great, and it is far too time consuming. That is why we will become Buyers’ Agents.

But, buyers’ agents spend hours upon hours studying the market, previewing homes, and showing homes to clients. Sometimes, they can work with clients for six months or more, and sometimes these buyers do not end up buying at all. There are only so many hours in the day, and a single buyer’s agent can serve at most two or three active potential buyers at a time. How can we achieve the necessary volume?

Good point. So we redefine the duties of a buyer’s agent. First, we stop showing homes. That takes time, and time is money. We need to be slamming dozens of these deals home each day to turn a profit. Let’s make the listing agent do that stuff from now on. While we’re at it, let’s not bother with pretending we represent anyone. That would require local market knowledge -it just takes too much time to acquire that knowledge and stay current. And, whatever you do, don’t start dispensing advice about comparable sales, values, specific factors unique to any one home (such as location, schools, physical condition, and the like). That will just get us back into the ol’ service mode, not to mention make us somewhat accountable for our actions. Minimize risk and maximize reward. Repeat after me: Volume!

But, won’t people recognize that we are relegating our responsibilities to others?

So what if they do? That is the shear genius in my plan. Real estate agents have been on the reputation ropes for some time. We will embark on a media blitz to tap into this negative sentiment. We will call the industry “messed up”, we will call agents “lazy”, “unethical”, “under-worked” and “overpaid”. The purchase of a home is emotional, so let’s play on those emotions. Our mantra will be “The Nexus is the Lexus”. From now on, every time we speak of traditional agents, we will be sure to make reference to “their Lexus”, as in, “All the buyer’s agent does is drive people around in their Lexus”. Say it enough, and we will reinforce the stereotype. Consumers will start to see us as renegades, even saviors, sticking it to the man on their behalf. It’s time to get personal so we can make money by being impersonal.

But, don’t you drive a Lexus?

Yes, but the beauty is, it will never have to leave the garage and get dirty again.

But, if we are going to be “agents” now, does it make sense to denigrate all agents?

From now on, we will publicly refer to ourselves as rainmakers, but in-house, we will call ourselves the order takers. By eliminating all duties which can not be automated, we will not only reach our volume goals, but we will significantly reduce the potential for liability. How can a buyer blame us for structural defects, non-disclosure issues, or a poor purchase decision when we never even saw the home? (Gales of laughter).

But, won’t buyers eventually figure out that they have forfeited true representation, counsel and advocacy, and that this could ultimately cost them?

Nah, all they will see is the “rebate”. People are stupid. Publicly, of course, we will profess otherwise.

But, what will happen when the sellers figure out that the coop commission they have historically offered to the buyer’s agent, intended to compensate that agent for the introduction, for the their time and for their representation of their client that they brought to the table, is instead going to us to compensate for … nothing?

Blasphemy! Now all you clowns, get out there, man the drive-thru, and sell some fries!